Live Your Truth

Personal development is something that I work on every single day. Part of that is reading personal development (aka self-help) books. I don't really know why self-help has such a stigma. I find it to be totally commendable to try to HELP YOURSELF by EDUCATING YOURSELF. But who am I? Just some chick. 

Anyway, the book I most recently read was titled Live Your Truth by Kamal Ravikant.  In this book,  Ravikant encourages readers to find something that they believe to be true and to live like you believe in that every day. This got me thinking. What the hell is my TRUTH? 

Here's the list of things that are most recently true FOR ME. 

• I love animals. I hate to see animals mistreated. I once "went vegan" for a period of time, but my hair fell out in clumps and my doctor told me to eat animal protein. My hair looks fuckin great, but I still believe that a vegetarian diet is easiest on the planet (and the soul). 
• I do not love children. I love certain children very much, but I will never ask to hold someone's kid. I don't ohh and ahh over babies. 
• I ADORE my kids, but they aggravate the shit out of me a lot of the time. 
• My husband is the one human being who I have spent the most time with in my life other than my mother. I can't explain it, but I cannot see a life without him in it. 
• Motherhood is a secondary state of being for me. I am Jessica FIRST, and I strongly believe that I am teaching my children through my actions that they should come first in any relationship. And I don't care if people think that's selfish. People come and go. The only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is you, so you must both put yourself first and love yourself always. 
• I am a teacher at heart. Whether it's teaching teenagers to love reading and respect themselves, or mamas how to put themselves first, or coaches how to build a successful business, it's what I do best. It comes easily to me, and it's the language that I speak. 
• I LOVE to learn. My spirit of curiosity is strong, and I'd rather be studying and learning new things than doing anything else. I feel most at home and at peace in a classroom, learning new things.
• Hiking is my exercise of choice, because I love the sounds that the world makes when it doesn't think anyone is listening. The forests and the waterfalls go about their business despite what we are doing -- despite the fact that we are looking, despite what we want it to do. We can take a lesson from the trees. 
• I am loud. I am opinionated. The two rarely mesh well, but I can't control it. 
• I have lost a lot of friends and family members over the years, but I'm not sad about most of them. If they're gone, there's a good reason for it. 
• I like to drive fast with the windows down and the volume up. 
• I think I can sing.
• I can't sing for shit. 
• I sing anyway. 
• I divorced one whole side of my biological family. I'm slowly and selectively mending bridges with a few of them, but it's a process. I believe everyone always deserves another chance. 
• When I turned around and looked at my past through the eyes of an adult instead of through the eyes of the child who I was when I endured painful experiences, my whole perspective changed. I did not forget what those who had wronged me had done, but I thanked them for making me the woman that I am today. For without those experiences, I would never have found my strength. 
• I believe in redemption. 
• I believe in a higher power but I'm not sure which one. 
• I am moved by art of any form, and I wish that I could be that creative. But I'm just not. I intrinsically understand the messages that the artists are delivering and can analyze the shit out of them. 
• I can also analyze the shit out of a situation. To my own detriment.  
• I have bipolar disorder. I don't medicate for it. I don't go to therapy for it. I don't often know when I'm in a "swing". I don't talk about it enough. When I peek in on bipolar disorder support groups, I feel like maybe I am one of the lucky ones because I do not ever feel as low as some of the people in those groups can feel.
• I am awkward in social situations, but I put myself in them anyway.
• I make friends easily everywhere I go. My husband used to joke that I would go to the bathroom or to the bar to get a drink and come back with 3 girls who were my new best friends. 
• That being said, I would rather be home by myself with my husband and my kids than ANYWHERE else. 

Now, the real question is...HOW DO YOU LIVE YOUR TRUTH once you KNOW WHAT IT IS? I feel like my truth is this chaotic mess of shit and what the hell, but I do NOT want my life to FEEL like a chaotic mess of shit and what the hell. So do I then live my truth by understanding and accepting this chaos, or do I just embrace the chaos and try to find the eye of the storm where I can live a peaceful life?

What are YOUR truths? When was the last time that you sat down and took a self-inventory and really thought about it? Are you living your truth? Are you living the life that you wish that you could? 

Let's connect! We're all in this together, and I would LOVE to walk beside you and help you find YOUR truth and live your life by that truth. 

Thanks for stopping by! xo

Idling in Extremes

I am never idle. When I was young they thought I had extreme hyperactivity AND depression. As I became a young adult they realized that I had a mental disorder that forced me to live my life in extremes. 

When I'm awake, I'm moving nonstop, constantly involved in a project or a task or a conversation. When I sit down, the pendulum swings, and I go completely still, and can spend hours reading, watching animals play in the yard, or just scrolling my newsfeed. Sometimes the lights are on upstairs, but most of the time I'm just idling in neutral. 

When I get involved in something, I hyper focus on it. My brain can think of nothing else. I eat, sleep, and breathe whatever that whim is. And most of the time, just as quickly as I latch on to it, I forget about it. I have impulses to move furniture or jobs or whatever and I can't stop until it's done. But if I don't do it the moment that the thought enters my mind, the thought is gone, and I'm left grasping at, "What was it that I was thinking about doing?" 

Even my sleep is this way. On one hand it's deep and heavy. Nothing can stir me or wake me. On the other hand I suffer from night terrors that cause me to thrash and scream and cry out, or I walk in my sleep, trying to finish my tasks from the day. 

Trying to explain this to people is a fruitless effort. They think that I'm impulsive, compulsive, flighty, inconsistent, and sometimes unreliable. To say that it's just a part of my disease would make no sense to most people, because a lot of the time the things that I do directly affect them in one way or another, and it always feels like a personal attack.

My thoughts fly through my brain like fireflies in the night. Effortless, yet elusive. There one second, blending into the scenery the next. I desperately try to catch them before they're gone, but if I can't get to a piece of paper, or a cell phone, or if I don't jump up and do whatever that whim is telling me to do at the moment, it's gone, and chances are good that I'll never hear from it again.  There are times that you can find me just standing in the middle of the kitchen, lost in thought. I guarantee that what I'm thinking about is what the HELL it was that I wanted to do so badly 15 minutes ago. Whatever it was is gone now.

I have learned to live with this. I get pissed at myself all of the time about my forgetfulness, and I've been trying to find some peace through yoga and mindfulness. But it's a day-to-day process. Yesterday I left my car keys lying in the grass after switching car seats (and cleaning out my entire car in the process) and my husband found them and brought them in. Today I am super focused on getting this blog post completed, a task that I started 3 days ago on Evernote when inspiration hit me, a task that today I am struggling to find the words to complete.

Every day is an adventure. My brain is never settled. Meditation is so overwhelming for me because I don't know how to just "be still" or "focus inward". But I'm trying. 

My Foodie Month: Week 4

Alright, here it comes...I said I would do it in under $1,000.  We had a couple of big splurges, but other than that, I think we did pretty great! 

Oakland Giant Farmer's Market

2 lbs grapes

cucumber crunchers

pre-sliced broccoli

portabella mushrooms

pre-cut zucchini

fresh coleslaw mix

1 vidalia onion

2 avocados

4 lemons

1 bunch cilantro

2 bags of organic spring mix

1 cantaloupe

1/2 watermelon

1 bunch kale

1 pineapple

1 bunch bananas

1 pint organic strawberries

7 apples

2 quarts blueberries

2 containers mini grape tomatoes

__________________________

$56.29

ShopRite From Home

4 bags Carolina Rice

2 boxes LaCroix Coconut

4 Bags hard pretzels

s'mores ingredients (chocolate bars, marshmallows, graham crackers)

organic maple syrup

organic crushed tomatoes

4 cans tuna

Pam Spray

potato bread

2 London broils

1 flank steak

2 Aidell Chicken Sausage

2 packages wholly guacamole minis

1 package organic tempeh

4 Granny Smith Apples

Annie's Yogurt

Applegate hot dogs

low sodium ham

Farmland cooked ham

2 boxes bagel bites

Eggo Blueberry and Oats waffles

2 bags organic frozen mixed veggies

Alexia Sweet Potato Fries

Alexia French fries

Fresh Salmon

__________________________

$158.45

Amazon Fresh

New Barn Organic Almondmilk

Annie's Pepperoni Pizza Poppers

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

2 Dozen Organic Free Range Extra Large Brown Eggs

Organic 2% Cottage Cheese

Just BARE Chicken Breast - Family Pack

Greek Yogurt

Starbucks House Blend Coffee

Dave's Killer Bread 

__________________________

$59.42

GRAND TOTAL WEEK 4

$274.16

Tally for the Month

$1,005.91

SO CLOSE!!!!!

Now, OBVIOUSLY, we splurged a bit this month, which put us OVER our $1k. 

NEXT month will be BETTER. Who wants to follow along??

My Battle with Bipolar

It's taken me a while to get here. I'm not even 100% sure that I AM here yet, but I'm going to go ahead and be here anyway in hopes that this might speak to someone and help them get through this.

When I was in high school, I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder (among a few other mental prognoses). We tried a few different medications to try to alleviate the stress of bipolar mood swings, but none of them really helped. Part of me really did feel like that diagnosis was true and real, but part of me thought that I was just messed up from my parents' divorce and the terrible relationship that I had with my biological father. At that time, having a mental illness was not something that was openly talked about. There were no mental illness "remove the stigma" movements. People still thought that when you were diagnosed with a mental illness that it was "all in your head." And overall I'm a bit fuzzy on what exactly was going on at that time in my life, but I know it wasn't good.

What I CAN tell you is that for years I have been managing my bipolar disorder without the help of medications or therapy of any kind. But it's not all roses.

One of my biggest issues is that I don't really acknowledge it. I don't talk about it with anyone. And I never use it as a rationalization for why I may act so bonkers some days. I never want it to be an excuse for my shitty behavior. I'd rather just apologize and hope that the person forgives me.

So I continue to practice MANAGING. Notice I'm not telling you that I've mastered it. This isn't a story of how I have won over bipolar disorder without the use of medications. I don't think I'll EVER be able to say that. The truth is that it is a disease, a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it doesn't just GO AWAY or STOP or SELF-SATISFY, even if you pretend it doesn't exist.

The reason that I am choosing to open up about it now is that these past couple of months have been rough for me, and a fog lifted a few days ago and I realized that I was in a down swing. I realized that when I'm not busy, I feel SAD. HEAVY. HOPELESS. I didn't realize that this was what was happening because I don't talk about it. I just go into it.

Part of the reason why this swing was so bad had everything to do with a convergence of a few high-intensity and stressful moments, one of which was the passing of my cat, Hallie.

Prior to that, I had been on a manic high, talking to people and being turbo productive. When Hallie got sick and died within a week, it all came crashing down, FAST. I mourned for a day, and then I got up and went to work and pushed it down. It was only when I was alone, and still, that I could feel the weight of the sadness. It rested on me like a soft blanket.

See, people with bipolar disorder may not always realize when they're in a swing. I've been lucky, as my swings have been mild, and short-lived, for the most part. Sometimes they are over in a manner of minutes. But the swings can last a long time, and if the people around you don't KNOW that you have bipolar disorder, they may not notice that much is different.

In fact, when I opened up to someone I'm close to about the realization that I had about my most recent down swing, someone who didn't know that I have bipolar disorder, her response was, "I knew something was up but wasn't really sure what." That's pretty typical.

I feel like people my age have a hard time with mental illness. It was still so new, and so taboo, when we were being diagnosed and treated. People to this day use phrases like, "You're acting bipolar" or "She's so bipolar" to describe someone who is displaying erratic behaviors for whatever reason, and it makes me cringe. It makes me feel all icky to this day to call it an "illness". I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. And I don't want to be judged because of it. I'd rather shove it all of the way down deep within myself than tell anyone how I feel. But that's not helpful.

When I had Jane and Emma, I had to check a box that said that I had been diagnosed with a mental illness when I went into the hospital. I was put on watch for postpartum depression, and monitored closely. The PPD ended up descending on me long after I walked out of that hospital, but still wasn't something that I shared with others. I just sat on it, and cried a lot, and felt like the world was going to come crashing down around me any day. I've never felt so alone.

I guess that I feel like saying that I have a mental disorder makes me look weak, and I've never wanted to be weak in anyone's eyes. Never wanted people to feel bad for me because of my parents' divorce, or the fact that we moved around so much, or for my mental struggles. On the other hand, I feel like if people were at least AWARE of my bipolar disorder, it would explain so much, and my confrontations with people would decrease.  That's not to say that people with mental disorders are weak. If you know ME then you know that to be the complete opposite. People struggling with any kind of mental issues are the strongest people I know.

It's a catch 22.

What I am going to say next is from personal experience only. I am not a doctor, and I don't currently see a professional about any of this. I'm no expert.  That being said, bipolar disorder is not a self-diagnosis for me. I would recommend speaking to a professional immediately if you feel as though any of this applies to you.

Some things that you may notice about someone who is experiencing bipolar disorder include manic episodes of either highs or lows.  Periods of extreme productivity and positivity. Extroverted behaviors. And then on the flip side the person may seem withdrawn, easily upset, sad, angry, negative, and introverted. There may or may not be triggers for these feelings. There are other behaviors that may also accompany bipolar disorder. I personally can be obsessive compulsive and extremely impulsive.

Now I say that you MAY notice these things. Bipolar disorder has become so mainstream in terms of explaining away erratic behaviors in our society that I believe that it is difficult to just look at a person's actions and say, "That person has bipolar disorder."  Also, I know personally that I am a great actress. Only the people closest to me truly know if I'm experiencing a swing, and even then I can still hide it sometimes. And we NEVER talk about it.

Some things that I've found help dramatically with the symptoms of bipolar disorder are staying away from alcohol, eating well, working out, and engaging in activities that are calming, like yoga, reading, and writing. Again, I'm no doctor, so I have no idea, but I can only imagine that these activities help with the chemical balances in the brain.  It also helps to practice self-awareness, and to frequently take inventory of your feelings, especially in stressful or traumatic situations.

Ways that you can support someone who is struggling with bipolar disorder are to just be understanding, and try not to take things personally. I know that it can be difficult, especially when a negative manic episode appears to be aimed directly at you. However, it is important to understand that the person is experiencing something outside of his or her control, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. My husband is great at calming me down, and saying to me, "You're acting bipolar." That sounds harsh and extreme, but it WORKS for me. FOR ME. It helps me to go inside of myself and take an inventory of my feelings. There are times, though, that I am just suffering alone, and putting on a brave face to the outside world. Again, that's a ME thing. But I assure you that there are others out there experiencing the same thing.

So, why am I opening up about this now? Part of it has to do with acknowledging and accepting myself completely. There are still people around me who don't believe that I suffer from this disorder. There are people around me who see the brave face, and they think that the bipolar disorder is an act, or that I can control it.

The other thing is this -- I know that if I'm going through it, there are others out there going through it, too. It can be so lonely to feel misunderstood, or worse, not understood at all. If we can't support one another in this world, and embrace each others' differences, and learn about the differences in order to be accepting, then what are we doing here? Misinformation breeds ignorance, which breeds hate, which makes this world an ugly place to live. I want there to be beauty in my world. I want there to be love and honesty. But we need to be brave in order to do that.

Our children deserve that.